Monday, August 25, 2008

The 2008 Convention: Americans Gathering To Change The Course Of A Nation Left Toward the Melting Iceberg

Monday, August 25 – One Nation Under Barry.

Monday’s headline prime-time speaker will be Michelle Obama.

Special Events for today include:

  • 8th Annual Effigy Burning of George Bush and Dick Cheney.
  • Dedication of the Edward Kennedy Memorial Bar and Hot Tub, hosted by former President Bill Clinton.
  • Arrival of Nancy Pelosi with her new Imperial escorts.
  • Official Cutting of the Fox News Feed.

Tuesday, August 26 – Renewing America’s Promise. To Homogenize.

Senator Hillary Clinton will be the headline prime-time speaker and former Virginia Governor Mark Warner will deliver the keynote address on Tuesday night.

Special Events for today include:
  • Forum for Change - Featuring former President Jimmy Carter, former Vice President Al Gore, and Walter Mondale.
  • Racial Harmony Seminar. - Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Reverend Jesse Jackson (no scissors permitted)
  • Hillary Clinton Lookalike Dunk Tank and Wet T-Shirt Contest

Wednesday, August 27 –Securing America’s Future. For Mexicans..

The headline prime-time speaker on Wednesday will be Senator Joe Biden.

Special Events for today include:

  • Fairness in Broadcasting Forum - featuring Al Franken, Dan Rather, and Michael Moore.
  • March on "GITMO on the Platte" - to free political prisoners (and pot smokers) of the Bush-backed Denver police.
  • Nomination of Barack Obama, followed immediately by the Howard Dean Screaming Contest, hosted by Hillary Clinton.

Thursday, August 28 – Change You Can Believe Will Be All That's Left In Your Pocket.

The convention will move to Invesco Field for the coronation, speech, and election to the presidency by assent of Barack Obama. The following schedule will be observed (All listed times are Mountain Time):

6:00 PM - The march of all convention attendees (acolytes) to the Invesco Shrine will begin.
7:00 PM - Singing of the the new national anthem: Change and Hope.
7:30 PM - Filling of the reflecting pool.
7:45 PM - Entry of Barack Obama to the Shrine, walk across the pool.
8:00 PM - Barack Obama arrives at the stage.
8:15 PM - Adulation ends.
8:30 PM - Healing of the Party and America by Barack Obama
8:45 PM - Magical spawning of doves to fly around the stadium as global warming ends.
8:55 PM - Obama waves to the crowd. Fainting begins.
9:00 PM - Obama speaks.
9:01 PM - Adulation resumes.
9:30 PM - Adulation ends, speech resumes
11:00 PM - End of speech and ascension into Heaven of Barack Obama, from where he shall reign, and dispense justice, and reverse the failed policies of the past eight years.

Immediately following the ascension, all news outlets will officially declare Barack Obama as the next President of the United States.

Okay, if you want to read it, here's the real DNCC schedule.


Satyavati devi dasi said...


I am physically unable to be more brief and relevant than that.

Besides, we've had a lot going on.

Shaw Hussein Kenawe said...

satyavati devi dasi,


But, he's a very nice wiseass.

Beth said...

Your schedule sounds accurate to me.

Toad734 said...

And of course none of that happened. No flag burnings, no gay weddings, not public abortions.

Now when does the witch(prochoice) burning, Muslim torturing, gay lynching, cash hand out to oil executivesRepublican convention start?

Patrick M said...

Saty: You can't get much briefer.

Shaw: You're going soft.

Beth: Not everyone agrees.

Toad: Did I list anything you listed? No. And I probably won't be that pissy when the GOP shows up. Maybe you need a humor transplant.