Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Glorious Post-Midterm Pre-SOTU Post

Ah, we've come to another State of the Union Address. Leave it to the modern USA to take a Constitutional requirement for the POTUS to submit a report to Congress nce a year on the state of the country, and turn it into a goofalicious circus full of politics and bullshit.

So I'm going to treat it with the same irreverence it deserves.

Mainly, this is because President Obama will fire out his talking points (which will sound very much like the soaring speeches he belted out on the campaign trail (and then mostly ignored the contents thereof)), the GOP will fire off a not-so-exciting response, and we'll get treated to a show and  learn almost nothing other than pointless minutia.  So taunting and teasing is almost required.

So here's my list of things I'll be watching for (to keep wake while Obama emotes on):
  • The Count of applause points and standing O's (because these O's, like in porn, are faked).
  • Congressmen caught sleeping (or listening in Snooze-O-Vision).
  • Congressmen caught tweeting (or playing with something in their lap (go there if you must)).
  • TOTUS malfunctions, at which the um counter will activate.
  • Status of the pogo stick in Nancy Pelosi's ass (as she won't be seated behind Obama and bouncing up after every sentence.
  • Pissed-off Republicans mouthing bad things.

And as an added bonus I'll also enumerate the number of times PrezBO drops the following:
  • The word "Jobs" (from which will come drinking games).
  • The personal pronoun "I" and variants, as Obama uses it like I use obscenities and shit.  And ass.
  • Blaming Bush (when he is responsible or continuing Bush policies).
  • Verifiable falsehoods (And I'll document the big'n's).
And in the end, I may say something cogent.  Assuming I make it through without falling asleep.

And if I missed anything I should include in the list above, there's still 8 hours to go and I'll check my comments just before.

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