History Repeating Itself

As usual, my ruminations on all things political and social were brought to a screeching halt this week thanks to my ex, AKA the mother of my children. Without getting too much disputable detail (because there's endless gray area after a breakup), I had to put a call into my attorney regarding my responsibilities if she had moved to an alleged unsafe location and had not informed me. And the reason for her relocation was a domestic violence situation (her boyfriend was the one going to the hospital).

Apparently, the situation resolved itself because her boyfriend took her back in. However, the look on his face as I gathered the necessary information (the information above) was enough to tell me the depth of the current situation. Because I remember seeing that face in the mirror.

So because I strive for emotional nudity (and because kids means less actual nudity around the house), I'm going to present you with portions of my victim impact statement, offered to the court, from the time when I was at the point he is at now:

(note: I will be omitting personal details, names, and dates for privacy reasons, and editing for brevity (because the judge was overwhelmed by the size of the statement (it is me)))

In the time between[date] and now, I have had time to learn more about domestic violence. For example, I discovered that ninety-five percent of the victims of domestic violence in the United States are women. I am in the other five percent. And it is with that, and with enough experience to understand why a woman would stay with a man until he beat her to death, that I begin this statement.
...

Domestic violence is perhaps one of the most insidious crimes, as it begins long before the police are called and the abuser is hauled away in handcuffs. It began in late [year], after the birth of our son. At first, I took it for just an argument. I have known many people to get into fights on occasion, resolve the problems, and continue on. But these problems only grew worse. After a year, it was obvious to everyone that [my ex] was out of control, yet I believed she could change, straighten herself out, and become the partner I desired. After the birth of our second child, my hope was that maybe she would see the damage she was doing. Even when our son ... began to clearly show the signs of autism, I still held out hope. In all that time, I sought to find her counseling, attempted to get her medication through her doctor, attended couple’s counseling in the hopes to get her help, called children’s services when, in a rage, she yanked on the steering wheel as we were driving somewhere, and called the police twice prior to the incident that precipitated this case. By the time I was, in effect, “beaten to death”, I had exhausted every option I could find.

Physically,[she] could never hurt me in any way that affected me. The claw marks would sting a few days and heal after a week. There was little bruising; there were few sore spots a day later. The damage she did to myself and, in effect, my children, was deeper. The emotional have she unleashed may have contributed to the worsening of [son's] autism. I know I planned my days and nights with her reaction in mind. I know I had to watch that day in particular to make certain that the children stayed out of the way. In fact, it was not the claws in my arm that motivated me to call the police. It was a piece of plastic, broken off a toy, flung at me and striking [son] as a consequence, that was the final thread in a tapestry of abuse.

So taken alone, without the experiences of years behind it, the events of the day could be considered trivial. However, with the full weight of months of worsening conditions, I felt a need to act, to save what remained of my family. And only in desperation, with fear that a future fight would result in more pain, more injury, I had to call for help.
...

As the confrontations between [my ex] and I worsened, I saw my family unable to stay silent as things grew slowly worse. Because I had invested much of myself in my relationship with [her], the relationship with various members of my family became strained. This made talking to them more challenging, even in the aftermath of [her] arrest. While they were supportive initially, some of my decisions regarding [her] after her arrest have caused a significant divide, and I am no sure how to fix it.
...

I am certain [my ex] feels great remorse for what she has done, although I am certain she was unaware of the damage she has caused. But expressing remorse is what she has done after every incident of abuse, which is why I do not believe she has really learned the error of her ways. However, she is not a hardened criminal. I believe that she has been a victim of emotional abuse for most of her life. This should mitigate her punishment significantly. I also love her, and want to have the possibility of making my family whole.
...

I ask the court, in deciding her sentence, to remember that she is a mother, and while many of her actions have shown a disregard for her children in that respect, her children may also be the reason she will work hard to get the help she needs. While there would be some personal satisfaction seeing her sent to jail, there would be no purpose served by sentencing someone who needs psychological help to sit in a cell. I would ask the court to give [my ex] probation, with the condition that she seeks help. She need anger management, as she has shown herself to be violent. She needs psychological evaluation and counseling, for she may have an underlying condition that was aggravated by postpartum depression. Finally, she needs parenting classes, as her maternal instinct has not been enough to stop her before now. As for monetary penalties, any fines or costs levied against [her] will directly impact me, as well as the children. I ask that the court impose community service as payment in lieu of money.

After this case is concluded, I hope to continue the healing of our family. It is my hope that with intensive therapy and ongoing help, she can be the mother she should be, the wife I suspect she could be, and the person she would be if she could choose how her life would turn out.


Of course, nothing changed, including a lot of things that aren't in the court documents, until I was forced, in the end, to choose between her and my family (my parents and sisters and nephews, as well as the kids). Thankfully, I chose my family.

I'm sharing this in the hope someone who is being battered (male or female, physically or emotionally) will have the sense and will to get the hell out. It's also out of a small sense of guilt (still) that I couldn't fix the problem and heal her, because now someone else is suffering the same fate.

I'd also like to hear your stories if you have them. If you want to post anonymous, and will share with me via email, I'd be glad to post your comments without anything personally identifiable (posting as anonymous still leaves web traces). The important thing to know is that you're not the only one.