Thursday, April 24, 2008

More Crap from the Mailbag

Something in the fluish realm has been tag teaming between me and my kids. And it has left me with only the energy to post something that came in on the email. Maybe it will provoke thought. Maybe it will give me time to fell more energetic.

22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT

THIS ISN'T TOO HARD

1. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

2. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.


3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.


4 You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.


5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by Soccer moms driving SUV's.


6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.


7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal Funding.


8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read, is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.


9 You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.


10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.


11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.


12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it is against certain parts of the Constitution.


13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.


14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Edison.


15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.


16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.


17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked any where it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.


18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belongs in the White House.


19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and Manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.


20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States .


21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, Right Wing Conspiracy.


22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."


Ready to vote?

10 comments:

repsac3 said...

I had that fluish thing... Hope you feel better soon...

I'm sure you've also seen the Republican one, circa 2004:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.

A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Toad734 said...

you forgot a few:


- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness

- "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India

-Black people in this country have the same opportunities in life as white people.

-Being born with money doesn't give you any advantages or benefits over people who are born without it.

-Babies who are born poor are just lazy.

-Child safety caps on aspirin, channel lock outs on TVs, and child safety locks on car doors are a great way to keep our children safe; Child safety locks on semi-automatic weapons is Communism.

Toad734 said...

Now to address your points:

1. Are you saying that the Diamond and oil trades oppress no one? Are you also implying that the government of China isn't mainly responsible for their economic boom?

2. And vice versa for Republicans. The Pro Lifers are always the biggest supporters of the death penalty because of something God said.

3. We think the 2nd amendment give an individual a right to own some sort of armament, perhaps something such as they would have owned in the late 1700s such as a 4 foot long Musket which fires one inaccurate round per minute. As a Republican you have to believe that the weapons that don't exist in Iraq are more important than the ones in North Korea and China.

4. You have to believe that there were no corn farmers or mining before federal subsidies.

5. You have to believe that we are not in a symbiotic environment where every action causes a reaction and that greenhouse gases don't really act like greenhouse gases. That and that Jesus used to ride Dinosaurs. How’s that for science.

6. Homosexuality is natural to some people and being a mother comes natural to others. I am sure throughout history every gay person loved being beaten and made fun of every day of their life. That’s a life most people would choose... Hell I don't know, ask Larry Craig or Ted Haggard, maybe they have the answers.

7. Being a conservative you think that Condoms couldn't possibly help prevent the spread of AIDS and that AIDS stands for Anally Inflicted Death Sentence. Only blacks and Homos can get AIDS.

8. I haven't met many 4th grade teachers how to read but at least we don't think if we don't talk about sex, no kid will ever have it. That’s why the teen pregnancy rate in the Bible Belt is so low (LOL)

9. Ok, you have a bit of a point there but Hunters typically only care about there being a place left alone enough so they can shoot things. That being said, no hunter drives a Prius.

10. It doesn't matter, Jesus loves you anyway.

11. Being a neocon you believe that seeing one of the bloodiest films about a man just being beaten to death is ok for 4 year olds to see because they understand that but cancelled cable because they had boobies. Oh and that he wasn't trying to blame the death of Jesus on Jews.

12. The NRA is bad because it wants 8 year olds to own fully automatic machine guns and even though you have to take a test in order to drive a car, they feel you should be able to pick up an Uzi at the 7/11 with no questions asked. I would say the stupid to evil ratio is at about 70/30

13. No one thinks their taxes are too low, we just don’t' think the ultra rich should pay less in taxes than the middle class. Oooh Socialism!

14. Who the hell is Margaret Sanger? I think I just proved you wrong there.

15. I wouldn't say those are exactly democrat/republican issues. There would be people on both sides of those debates. LAME

16. You believe George Bush got into Princeton on his own merit and that he would be qualified to run a state, country or an oil company even if it wasn't for his rich and powerful dad and his rich friends in Saudi Arabia who bombed us on 9/11.

17. Define "worked". Communism has been good for China and Cuba hasn't had as many problems as most democracies. But with the dollar being what it's worth, the wars we are in, has letting corporations run the show worked for us?

18. Which sex offender would you be talking about. I don't recall anyone on the sexual predator list running for Office. Oh, you mean Larry Craig and David Vitter right? And don't you mean an alcoholic who used to do cocaine who lied about WMDs?

19. Mangers on public grounds with public money are as bad as naked dudes in leather masks on the state capitol and paid for by state funds. Get your arguments straight. No one is against mangers but there are plenty of Jews, Muslims and Atheists who don't want to feel like they are being judged by Christian principals when they show up to defend a parking ticket.

20. If you are a Republican you believe Wal-Mart funding the Chinese Government is in the best interest of the country, as long as they send us poisonous baby bottles and death chamber baby cribs.

21. This message is about as right wing as it gets but I am surprised the liberal media hasn't censored it yet.

22. If you want to work on Christmas be my guest.

Toad734 said...

And while we are at it:

The 10 things you believe if you are a fundamentalist Christian:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Patrick M said...

repsac: Hadn't seen the GOP list, as I didn't really have any contact with too many Democrats before I got to blogging. Thanks.

Toad: You really don't have a sense of humor, do you? Also, I didn't say I absolutely agreed with everything in the list.

It's called sick day filler. Or a moonbat magnet.

But I did like the fundamentalist Christian list.

Mike's America said...

"moonbat magnet" for sure!

repsac3 said...

(Must be the season for these... Just found this posted on another blog.)

More Rules for Republicans:

If you’re a fighter pilot who dropped bombs on women and children in Vietnam (or Iraq), you’re a HERO!
If you were (are) against the war and ignited a few bombs that killed no one (except for your own comrades), YOU’RE a TERRORIST!

Any association with anyone who ever uttered a “bad” word about American foreign policy, or in the case of Rev. Wright, the undeniably foul treatment that the U.S. has visited upon her black citizens, YOU’RE UNFIT for the White House and ANTI-AMERICAN.
If, HOWEVER, you pal around around with conservative “religious” leaders who promise damnation upon America for HER MORAL sins (other than dropping bombs on women and children), particularly the sins of HOMOSEXUALS , you’re held in HIGH ESTEEM by your party!

If you dare to mention the glaring differences between the rich and the poor, particularly the CEOs and the workers, your ADVOCATING CLASS WARFARE…
However, if you disdain the poor, blame their poverty on their BEHAVIOR, and shun ANY governmental aid t help them get by, then you’re FISCALLY CONSERVATIVE…

If you advocate tax monies going to POOR Americans, you’re a TAX AND SPEND liberal.
If, however, you vote for an unlimited MILITARY BUDGET - with LITTLE OR NO OVERSIGHT, and even LOOK PAST MILITARY CONTRACTORS who rip off AMERICAN TAXPAYERS - you’re a good PATRIOTIC REPUBLICAN!

If you dare complain that minorities and women have often got screwed over in America, YOU’RE A BLAME-AMERICA LIBERAL.
If, however, you constantly whine about unfair treatment by THE MEDIA and American Universities, or if you think that Affirmative Action CHEATS WHITE GUYS out of their rightful due, then you’re a SOLID CONSERVATIVE and a FINE REPUBLICAN…

Toad734 said...

Its not that I take things so serious, I just like debunking chain mails that people really haven't thought too hard about.

It made you think about the validity of those statements didn't it? Again, everything isn't black and white.

And 5 and 3 On the Christian list have to be my favorite.

Patrick M said...

Mike: That and damned instructive.

Repsac: There's no end to the contradictions when you look hard enough.

Toad: No, I still didn't think that hard about it. I guess I'll have to get even less serious.

But your point is well said.

Dee said...

Yes, hope you are feeling better. And these lists are always good.