A Midsummer Night's Reboot

As I'm running low on political steam (for now), and because it's been a while since I've posted (and I've found newer and better stuff), here's my picks for free software to run on your computers to make them not suck.

First, for those of you who are new, I often type out my political wisdom/ravings while ensconced in my half-cubicle at work doing Internet tech support (like right now). I grew up on computers (Started with an Apple II plus at age 7), have worked in two computer stores and 3 stints with RadioShack (2 corporate, 1 franchise). And for someone with no formal training, I can make my old, underpowered pieces of shit work magnicifently.

And for those of you that aren't sure you can trust me, almost everything I list I have installed on my computers. And my links will take you to reliable sources (mostly Download.com). And if you doubt me still, remember: I want you to read me (and worship and obey (and get me a date)), so killing your computers would defeat one of my most egomaniacal reasons for blogging.

(necessary CYA disclaimer: because every computer has some unique configuration issues, you can experience problems when adding new software. I have had isolated problems on individual systems with a few of the security programs. That's why Windows has system restore and add/remove programs (programs and features in Vista), although I have a better uninstaller myself.

Non-Tinfoil Hat Security

To begin, there are three important things you need to protect your computers from most threats: an antivirus, an anti-spyware, and a firewall. For clarification, these are the programs most likely to cause conflicts. If you have any issues after installing them, they are probably the reason you can't get on the Internet. Which means an uninstall.

Antivirus - There are two I can recommend. AVG has worked well for me for years on many computers. So I can recommend it highly. However, another up-and-coming one seems to be a little leaner and just as good. Avira AntiVir is my current choice on both my computers right now. and so far, I've had no problems. And it's half the size to download as the ever-burgeoning AVG.

For you Mac users, I do have an antivirus to suggest (though I have no firsthand experience): ClamXav. I found this from threads at Komando.com, mainly because the increased number of Macs out there means they will begin to be a target for viruses and I wanted something to suggest. So if you want to be more secure, it's time to break down and get an antivirus.

Spyware - My personal preference is Spybot Search and Destroy. It's not the most user-friendly of the bunch, but it does an excellent job. An alternative (because Spybot didn't like my sister's computer) is Ad-Aware. This is one I've recommended and used, although not recently. So one of these will suffice. A third one I'm going to suggest is specifically if you have to deal with those fake antivirus programs (Antivirus 2009 and the like). That would be Malwarbytes Anti-Malware. It's only a free trial, but it could save your computer if you get infected.

Firewalls - I have three levels of protection I recommend. If you have nothing else, Windows does have a firewall.

If you have no other software one installed, turn it on. If you're dialup, good enough. For those of you doing high speed (this is the 21st century), you should probably have a router. Because not only do you get to hook up multiple computers wirelessly, the router has a built-in firewall. Combined with the windows firewall, this is ok protection for the cautious browser. This is my mother's setup)

But for those of you like me who like to look at more interesting stuff (like midget porn and donkey shows), you need a software firewall. My choice (except for one old computer that didn't like it, and my mother's computer where there was some problem) is Zone Alarm. Not too invasive, but it stops Insipid Entrails from getting online (because I make the Microsoft devil spawn ask to connect). Both my computers are running this with Avira (and previously AVG) and have had no problems. An alternative (though I personally didn't like its layout) is Comodo. It's worth a try if Zone Alarm is being bitchy.

Browsers and Email and Messengers, Oh My!

If you're looking at this page on Microsoft Internet Explorer (hereafter referred to as Idiot Exploder or wahtever names I can come up with using the initials IE), shame, shame, shame (especially you wankers that despise Big Corporate). Especially when there are so many freer, more secure browsers out there. Ones like Apple's Safari, Google Chrome, and Opera (been there, used them).

But if you look to the left, you'll see my permanent button for Mozilla Firefox. This is because Firefox (an open source program born from the old Netscape browser) is faster and more secure than Impotent Expeller, as customizable as can be (including an add-on that can render pages like Incontinent Exhaler (listed below with the others)), and is the choice browser for every tech person I know. It's one of the few programs we actively suggest for people in tech support.

For messaging while at work, I'm still using the now-aging Trillian (because it's on the approved list). But on at least one of my computers (with the other to follow soon), I've made the switch to Digsby, mainly because I can check my Gmail and Facebook, in addition to the Hotmail and Yahoo accounts Trillian handles. And if you're relying on a monomessenger (like MSN or Yahoo), live in the now.

And Now You Know...The Rest, of the Software

Diagnostic and computer management software - The last time I posted, someone pointed me to a program now called Advanced System Care. It's essentially a one-stop file cleaner/ disk defragmenter/ registry optimizer/ spyware cleaner, and so on. For more novice users, there's one button that does all the work (of course I don't use it). With one click. 'Nuff said. For more basic cleaning, there's always CCleaner. It's basic, but it's tried, tested, and recommended. And it started its life known as CrapCleaner. Again, 'nuff said.

Substitute for the Debil (Microsoft Orifice) - First on my list is OpenOffice. I'ts free. It's as good as the Microsoft beast. I don't think I need to elaborate. If you want super simple for a flash drive, try AbiWord Portable. I had the installed version, and it was simple and compatible with the Office docs. Online, the option is Google Docs. Since most of my fellow bloggers have Google logins, it's simply a click away (especially for a Google whore like me).
Multitasking bitch tool - At work, I like my programs along the bottom in a certain order (to find them fast. If they got out of order, I had to reload the shit (which sucks when teching a call). However, Taskbar Shuffle fixed that. If you've ever moved tabs in Firefox, taskbar shuffle lets you do the same things down below.
Parental control - For simpler (younger) control, the Firefox addon I found to stop my youngling from typing the letter K in three times and getting results is FoxFilter. However, that only blocks crap in Firefox.

If you want more control, and can trust your kids not to try bypassing it, theres OpenDNS. There's lots of things to do here. I have it on both my computers, but I still don't block anything. If you've got it working, the button on the left will tell you so. Best of all, you don't install anything, except two numbers: 208.67.222.222 and 208.67.220.220. And if you don't know where to put the numbers, there's more info on the OpenDNS page.

To really lock down the computer, the one that worked for me was K9 Web Protection. The only problem is that this locks down the whole computer. It's great if the padawans have their own PC and administrator access. If you've got to share and like your titties, it's a little inconvenient.

Death to Adobe - Adobe reader is a staple on most computers for reading PDF files. It's a bloated resource whore. I banned it from my computers for the tiny, but just as good Foxit Reader. Occasionally you'll run into a bastard site that insists on Adobe (the dentist I had my tooth extracted had a web form that did this) or an install disk that will demand installing the shit (my otherwise excellent Linksys router, for example (router install disks in general are evil)), but they're really not worth it.

Replacing the add/remove programs - Uninstalling programs in Windows doesn't always work, because some programs fight you. However, I found Revo Uninstaller. After doing a system restore, it runs the uninstall program, then hunts down the shit the resident uninstall program doesn't remove. I'm still finding cool things it can do.

Miscellaneous Firefox Addons - I have all these installed at work and at home. Download Statusbar makes downloads not pop up a box (and I download a lot). ForecastFox puts the weather up (mostly cloudy, 72 degrees right now, no clicking) on the bar. Xmarks saves and syncs bookmarks and passwords over multiple computers AND backs them up. Tab Buttons gives you the ability to reopen the tab you just accidentally closed or open a new tab with one click. And IE Tab makes Insipid Expansion obsolete (because you can even go to the windows update page with it.

Final Thoughts (Or Lack Thereof)

Keeping your computers cleaned up is your responsibility (not your kids'). So here's what I suggest:

1. Plan for regular maintenance - Your antivirus scans and updates regularly, and your firewall (if you have one) runs constantly. But spyware cleaners and disk utilities have to be run to be most effective. if you don't know that all these are scanning, plan a day that you do the scans (and you can do other things while the computer works).

2. Don't download shit - One person with their head not inserted in their ass should be in charge of managing all the program downloads to a computer. This includes keeping off programs that suck resources, as well as those that just bloat the system (Dell is notorious for sending computers full of deletable stuff). And cleaning out the stuff already installed can work wonders. If you look on your desktop, down by the time, and there are three messenger programs, Limewire (or anything P2P), and 3 or 4 utilities that are supposed to boost your productivity, start disabling or removing stuff. And don't even get me started on the evils of toolbars (some just suck, some are actually spyware). And if there's any doubt about how I feel, FairTax.org has one that will raise money for the FairTax. Don't download it. Send them cash instead.

3. Divide and Conquer - If you've got multiple people sharing one computer, set up separate user accounts. That way, you get two advantages. First, you don't have to search for your shit in a gazillion other files someone (younger) with Limewire just downloaded. Everyone customizes their own desktop to their preferences, and no one has to fight. And best of all, the ones that have the propensity to download junk can be denied administrator rights. This limits the amount of damage they can do. It's amazing what a 4-year-old can reprogram, I tell you.

4. Backup, Backup, Backup - I've got my documents emailed to me and floating online. I've found a way to turn my Gmail into storage. I've burned CDs with pictures, and I'm working on getting them downloaded online with Picasa. My taxes, which I do online, are backed up online, as well as with hard copy. This is all because I have lost things. Things that I can't get back. Long story short, you need a few layers of back up. You could spring for something like Carbonite, or the freer but limited Mozy as well. Just remember, digital can disappear really fast.

Okay, that's it. If you're looking for any particular kind of program, let me know below. If you have a good thing to suggest, likewise. Any questions of a more sensitive nature concerning your computer, drop me an email. I'm good with the whole confidentiality thing. At least I haven't stalked the people I have hunted down online. But that's another post.