Sunday, February 8, 2009

V-Day Resignation, EITC, and AOTW

I despise V-day. The Day of darkness, loneliness, bitterness, hatred, betrayal, suffering, desolation, isolation, and deceit. And now, we're halfway through the dark period I set aside to remember those who have only their DVD collection or high speed connection to keep them warm at night.

However, I have kids. And of course, for them to conform, I'll have to go out and buy a pack of those cheap fucking V-cards so they can do the meaningless dog and pony show which means nothing (especially if you're brushing autism and your daddy keeps killing the fucking diamond and flower commercials while muttering insanely), and was a yearly ritual that depressed the shit fucking shit out of me after several years (especially in the Catholic school).

So I'm resigned to just muttering and manhandling myself until it's over.

But all is not hopeless. For tax season is upon us, and being in the bracket I am in, I've got my tax refund in. I've already paid a bill I was behind on and stimulated the company even more than I did for Christmas. All because the government saw fit to come up with a stupid tax system that forces people to give the government money to play with, then return without interest. And for those that don't make (or pay) shit, there's the Earned Income Tax Credit.

To give you an idea how stupid it is (and why you should be screaming for the FairTax), my tax burden was nothing, I paid nothing in 2008 (because I knew what was coming), and my refund was the equivalent to roughly4 months of my wages in 2008. And Obama wants to raise that number.

And I did the numbers for the FairTax last year. I break even. Imagine how much your taxes would drop.

Finally, since he didn't share with me (the selfish bastard):

Michael Phelps is Asshat of the Week

It's been a shitty week for bong boy since the pic to the right came out. Now his endorsements are dropping off and the morality Nazis are howling that he's no longer a role model. What the fuck ever.

Look, if I were a kid his age with beer and bongs and booze flowing freely, I would take some of my off time to indulge until I puked. Come to think of it, if he came over with bag and a bong and I didn't have the kids, we'd light up and I'd start cooking with hot grease. it would be cool.

But he's a big name in the public eye with people attaching the "virtuous" label to his Olympic ass until he got caught on camera being just like the Bush twins in the early years or every young and yummy in Hollywood.

Not that drug use is an immediate disqualifier. President Clinton liked to rock the gange (despite his bullshit "I didn't inhale" crack). President Bush was a drunken frat boy before he got religion. Even President Obama was a coke-snorting motherfucker.

Of course, they're all politicians. It's forgive and forget there.

Mikey, you had to know that there are a lot of uptight fucks out there who have zero tolerance for any recreational drug use. And it's going to cost you the cash to get both stoned and feed your munchies. So for not having the sense to do your thing off camera, and making it a bitch to cash in on those gold medals because of the power of the puritanical, you get to be our asshat.

And if you want off the list, bring me the special brownies!

And on that note, some drug-related fun from iLL WiLL PreSS:

20 comments:

TAO said...

He needs to confess to Dodson...

Say God found him and mended his ways....

It worked for Bush and Gringrich has done it a couple of times.

Satyavati devi dasi said...

Were you thinking of me when you posted the Pilze?

I sing this at work all the time.

..at least I think I do...

TAO said...

Patrick,

Get yourself a dog for valentines....

It would cheer you up!

Patrick M said...

Tao: Bong boy ain't a politician, unfortunately. the confession thing won't work.

And can I give the kids the dog then kill it while they watch (V-day does this to me)? :)

Saty: It crossed my mind.

Arthurstone said...

Excellent post Patrick. The opening sentence is thrilling in its description of self-pity run rampant.

I'm expecting big things from you on Valentines Day.

Reach deep...

And don't fear, things can always get worse.

Cheers!

dmarks said...

"President Clinton liked to rock the gange (despite his bullshit "I didn't inhale" crack)."

I first misread this as that Clinton "didn't inhale crack". I guess this makes him different from Marion Berry.

Patrick M said...

Arthur: If it will disappoint you, I'm smiling now.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

Dmarks: It makes Bill more like Michael Phelps than Barack Obama.

There's some crack (the non-smoking kind) I could make there, but the kids are sitting next to me watching Star Wars, so I can't crack (again, the non-smoking kind) too many drug jokes. Plus, Arthur would chuck it up to me being bitter despite the copious amounts of sugar I consume.

TAO said...

The reason I never ran for political office....

I not only inhaled but I tried to hold it in as long as I could....

So Phelps is my hero!

Arthurstone said...

Of course you're smiling Patrick. Anger is a great source of humor.

Cheers!

Satyavati devi dasi said...

May I suggest some 'prescribed goodness'.....(O Canada)

hey, you were the one who posted the toon.

Jennifer said...

I'm with you on V-Day! I'm not alone and I still think that the day bites the big one!! We don't even celebrate it. I don't want chocolates and a teddy bear and we sure as hell can't afford diamonds! It's a cheesy holiday to get people to spend their money on something people don't need or want. And for the people that are alone....OMG! I have to buy valentines for the boys too. I don't think Anthony has to do it this year (5th grade) but Nicholas does. (3rd)

Valentines day only makes you poor or depressed.....

Not the smoothest move there on Phelps part, but hey, he's human and at least he didn't do it during the Olympics!!

rockync said...

Oh, you bunch of crabby nihilists! I don't really do much to celebrate V Day but on my fridge I keep a picture of a much younger me all dressed up standing next to a much older, distinguished gentleman who is also all spiffed up. I was married with children and he was a widower, old enough to be my grandpa, but I still agreed to go to the Valentine's Dance with him at the nursing home where he lived and I worked.
We laughed and ate and danced the night away.
He would live less than a year from when that picture was taken, but he talked about that night nearly every day - now, that was a V-Day to remember!

Satyavati devi dasi said...

I have to work, so it's just another day on the calendar.

Shaw Kenawe said...

In keeping with Patrick's theme of a crabby V-day, a gift for everyone:

Happy V-day!

Arthurstone said...

Wrong sports star Patrick.

Alex Rodriguez is your man. Liar. Cheater. Adulterer.

And he's a republican.

Patrick M said...

Jenn, Shaw: Appreciate the sentiment.

Rocky: Sounds good to me. I can always appreciate taking a negative (V-day) and finding the positive.

Arthur: You were mocking my "anger" before, now you're trying to score political points.

You're a sad, strange little man and you have my pity. Farewell.

(Bonus points for whoever can name the movie)

Arthurstone said...

Toy Story.

dmarks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Satyavati devi dasi said...

'and oh what a bitter squirrel I became without my Zooooloft'


This came from the drudgerous rage of your kidney, I know.

Prescribed goodness for all.

Beth said...

Well Patrick, you may not like V-Day, but you are thought of fondly you know.