Monday, September 1, 2008

The 2008 Convention II: Hey! We're Groovy Too!

(note: As I was working on this post, the news came down the wire that the GOP is canceling political speeches due to the threat of hurricane Gustav. But being that the following is parody and may give someone a laugh or two in even the more serious times, I'm going to go with it anyway. Meanwhile, please hope, please pray, and please donate. (Salvation Army).

Monday, Sept. 1
Servicing Across the Aisle

Featured speakers tonight will include President George W Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

The first day will feature all the top conservative talk radio hosts from satellite locations around the country:
Rush Limbaugh - LIVE from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Sean Hannity - LIVE from New Orleans, LA
Laura Ingram - LIVE from Baghdad, Iraq
Neal Boortz - LIVE from across the border in Tijuana, Mexico - with pictures (see right)

Governor Schwarzenegger will also be special guest referee for a no-holds-barred steel cage match between conservative talk radio host Michael Savage and Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly.

Tuesday, Sept. 2
Reform McCain's Image

Featured speakers will include Joe Lieberman and Mike Huckabee.

Special video tributes by:
Former Vice President AlGore, Senator Edward Kennedy, Senators Russ Feingold, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and some other fuck I can't think of

Also the five-minute montage of all McCain coverage, condensed from his ten minutes of total coverage.

Immediately afterward, cheese and wine will be served.

Wednesday, Sept. 3
Dude, Where's My Prosperity?

Tonight's featured speaker will be Cindy McCain and the vice-presidential nominee, Governor Sarah Palin.

Today, the convention will proudly nominate John McCain as the Republican candidate for President of the United States. Immediately following, new renewable power stations over the graves of Barry Goldwater, Ronald Reagan, and William Buckley will go online, powered by the aforementioned deceased spinning in their respective graves.

New This Convention: The Failed VP Pageant!!!
Hosted by Vice Presidential Nominee Governor Sara Palin
Featuring: Geraldine Ferraro, Jack Kemp, Joe Lieberman, and John Edwards

These four political add-ons, ditched by history will compete in several categories for a spot in the McCain cabinet. Categories include: the talent show, foreign policy questions, evening gown, economic quiz, and of course, the swimsuit competition.
(Note: eye drops and vomit bags will be distributed prior to the swimsuit competition.)

Thursday, Sept. 4

Tonight, Senator John McCain will give his acceptance speech. Special introduction by Ben Stein (speech excerpt below).
(monotone voice) We are here tonight to to welcome a man to lead this country into the 21'st century. Are you ready to welcome him? Anyone? Anyone?
Speech schedule:
  • 6:25 PM -Introduction
  • 6:30 PM - Uncomfortable silence
  • 6:31 PM - John McCain begin speech
  • 6:30 PM - Speech ends. Wheel of Fortune is on.

For the actual schedule, which I'm sure will be changed by the time you get there, click here.


Beth said...

I can imagine Wheel of Fortune being McCain's favorite show actually.

Dave Miller said...

Funny stuff. Except that I read today that McCain suspended the convention.

It's actually a good political move as now he does not have to share the stage with Bush and Cheney.

Patrick M said...

Beth: I'm sure to combat that image, McCain will attempt to show up on some mumble-ass show on MTV or something. Then he'll look even older.

Dave: I was composing the post when I got that news. But too much reality would have dimmed the humor of it so I left it as I had originally planned.

Obob said...

can we get Fred Thompson to do the swimsuit part? twisted little fantasy