Monday, Sept. 1
Servicing Across the Aisle
Featured speakers tonight will include President George W Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
The first day will feature all the top conservative talk radio hosts from satellite locations around the country:
Rush Limbaugh - LIVE from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Sean Hannity - LIVE from New Orleans, LA
Laura Ingram - LIVE from Baghdad, Iraq
Neal Boortz - LIVE from across the border in Tijuana, Mexico - with pictures (see right)
Governor Schwarzenegger will also be special guest referee for a no-holds-barred steel cage match between conservative talk radio host Michael Savage and Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly.
Tuesday, Sept. 2
Reform McCain's Image
Featured speakers will include Joe Lieberman and Mike Huckabee.
Special video tributes by:
Former Vice President AlGore, Senator Edward Kennedy, Senators Russ Feingold, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and some other fuck I can't think of
Also the five-minute montage of all McCain coverage, condensed from his ten minutes of total coverage.
Immediately afterward, cheese and wine will be served.
Wednesday, Sept. 3
Dude, Where's My Prosperity?
Tonight's featured speaker will be Cindy McCain and the vice-presidential nominee, Governor Sarah Palin.
Today, the convention will proudly nominate John McCain as the Republican candidate for President of the United States. Immediately following, new renewable power stations over the graves of Barry Goldwater, Ronald Reagan, and William Buckley will go online, powered by the aforementioned deceased spinning in their respective graves.
New This Convention: The Failed VP Pageant!!!
Hosted by Vice Presidential Nominee Governor Sara Palin
Featuring: Geraldine Ferraro, Jack Kemp, Joe Lieberman, and John Edwards
These four political add-ons, ditched by history will compete in several categories for a spot in the McCain cabinet. Categories include: the talent show, foreign policy questions, evening gown, economic quiz, and of course, the swimsuit competition.
(Note: eye drops and vomit bags will be distributed prior to the swimsuit competition.)
Thursday, Sept. 4
Tonight, Senator John McCain will give his acceptance speech. Special introduction by Ben Stein (speech excerpt below).
- 6:25 PM -Introduction
- 6:30 PM - Uncomfortable silence
- 6:31 PM - John McCain begin speech
- 6:30 PM - Speech ends. Wheel of Fortune is on.
For the actual schedule, which I'm sure will be changed by the time you get there, click here.