Saturday, July 12, 2008

Candles

I was listening to Rush Thursday while picking up some lunch (without the kids!!!) when he got back on the subject of gardenia candles. For some reason, he has this thing about gardenia candles. Naturally, an assload of catalogs and candles poured in from the dittoheads. But it got me to thinking.

I'm a candle-loving son of a bitch. I like anything that burns. And not just because I like my carbon footprint the size of a small country. My current candle (which I just lit for ambiance) is a cheap fruit and berries from the dollar store. My personal preferences are usually a baked goods scent or a vanilla. But my all-time favorite is a Yankee candle scent called MidSummer's Night: An intoxicating and masculine blend of musk, patchouli, sage and mahogany cologne. It never got me laid.

So, in light of this brush with metrosexual scariness, let's look at scents famous political figgers like:

John McCain - Napalm candles. He loves the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like, victory. Considering what his campaign smells like, he needs some victory somewhere.

Barack Obama - I was going to suggest a pansy candle for the Senator, especially if Jesse Jackson gets hold of him. But this is funnier. Obama has his own candle: Barack Obama "Lighting the Way for Change" candle. Your choice of a 16oz or 26oz candle in a jar. Burning time is between 200-220 hours for a 26oz jar and 130 hours for the 16oz candle. Shaw will probably be pulling out the credit card right now to buy up them puppies, as I did link to it. Holy shit. May Obamamania burn out as fast as this candle.

Hillary Clinton - Those scent eating candles for smokers. They take out the scents of perfume pretty well too. Best if followed up with Lysol, to kill the germs. Although she's been experimenting with actual scents now that Bill is off somewhere else more often now.

Jesse Jackson - Anything nut scented. I know, easy joke.

Algore - those Glade flameless candles, pine scented. He says it's all about saving the planet, and communing with his brothers and sisters, the trees. This gives me two questions: If Algore fell in the woods, would he make a sound? Also, will those big-assed 3 wick candles make up for Algore?

Okay, your turn. Name your scent. And if you've got a famous political figure's scent (real or humorous), then care to share.

17 comments:

mapqueen said...

"I was listening to Rush Thursday while picking up some lunch (without the kids!!!) when he got back on the subject of gardenia candles. For some reason, he has this thing about gardenia candles. Naturally, an assload of catalogs and candles poured in from the dittoheads. "

This is the type of opinion you geve from that radio show.

Assholes and Dittio-heads!

Beth said...

The Algore one, lol, gives me a smile this Saturday morn.

Beth said...

And dramaqueen, I mean mapqueen, if you are suggesting that people are influenced wrongly by Rush Limbaugh, I have one word for you.

Oprah.

Patrick M said...

Mapqueen: Were you not hugged when you were a child? Not every second of EIB, nor every second of SPD is dedicated to ripping opposition a new one. I'd probably suggest a lavender and chamomile candle for you, then go read my post before this one.

And if that doesn't work, there's always a lobotomy. Performed by Jesse Jackson.

Beth: That's the point. But you forgot to share candle preference.

Patrick M said...

That reminds me of another kid story. By son just recently potty trained. But, being a boy, he's fixated on that part of his anatomy. I've been threatening to sic Jesse on him if he doesn't stop playing with it.

Beth said...

I always save candles for special occasions, therefore I never actually burn them.

Beth said...

re: potty training, there is an exercise in parenting to try your patience, best of luck with that.

:-)

Obob said...

my two year old son is on the cusp of potty training, except he pratices on the floor.
candle ... is there a pork smelling one for Mutha?
or a algae smelling one for the Olympians who are to sail in that muck off China?

Patrick M said...

Beth: One down, one to go on the potty training.

Obob: Pork flavored candle? Bet that smells delicious.

Shaw Hussein Kenawe said...

Candles?

I burn my candle at both ends.

Shaw Hussein Kenawe said...

By son just recently potty trained. But, being a boy, he's fixated on that part of his anatomy. I've been threatening to sic Jesse on him if he doesn't stop playing with it.

Some friendly advice from one who went through this with my child a while ago, leave the kid alone. There's no shame or sin in playing with "it."

It's healthy and normal.

Patrick M said...

I burn my candle at both ends.

Is that a definition of liberalism, by chance?

As for my son and his fascination with it, I've kind of eased up unless he's pulling out, especially since I've told him to stop, then looked down to see what my other hand was doing.

But if I can't use Jesse as a thread to get my son stop playing with himself, then what good is Jackson?

Obob said...

my middle child refused to potty train until she would have been forced to wear diapers not a pull up. Then she decided to use the big girl toliet.

Toad734 said...

I think its good that you don't let your kids listen to Limbaugh. Hes a bad example as he is a drug addict who cheats on all his wives. You don't want your children to grow up and be like him.

Patrick M said...

Actually, Toad, I have talk radio on all day and my kids get to hear all of it, from Boortz in the morning to Rush for lunch. Then I have to go to work.

Keep it up and I'm going to have to infect your computer with a virus that blocks cutting and pasting the same old shit.

Toad734 said...

Boortz isn't a drug addict who talks about family values and then cheats on his wives. I wouldn't be so worried about him. He just has a lame plan for revamping the tax code to favor rich people; relatively harmless.

Patrick M said...

Love that cut-and-paste. Love it.

Maybe you should try removing your bias once in a while.