Monday, May 12, 2008

How To Spend The Vote-Buying Scheme Check

UPDATE: I got a letter from the IRS today about the stimulus payment I received; I've posted it below. Look at the dates and instructions, as you will probably get one too, and understand: This is why government wastes sooooooo much money.

I checked my account on Thursday night and, lo, there I beheld my "stimulus" payment. Ad it was a fat amount of cash, though less than I had hoped but the amount I expected. The bulge of $900, with the backing of the United States Treasury, gleamed at me from my screen. So my thoughts returned to ways to waste this money so that it doesn't stimulate the economy. Here's the list of things I came up with, although some of these might grow the economy a little. But it's MY money, and I thank all the people who didn't get this socialist transfer of wealth for making this bastardization of the American Dream possible.

Gas - I know this will stimulate the economy for sure, but I have to get to work in rural Ohio somehow. So of course I was going to put this in the list. - As I did with my tax refund, so I will do with this money. If we eventually get the FairTax passed, then perhaps we can stop this incessant tendency of government to transfer wealth through tax law.

Lottery Tickets - There is no better way to blow an assload of cash than to pour it into the Poor People's Retirement Plan. Plus, here in the great State of Ohio, the money goes to schools in Cleveland for more metal detectors and security. In other words, it's wasted on an education system that delivers no bang for a lot of bucks.

Reducing Your Debt - This is a commonsense one I picked up from Clark Howard. I can't make jokes of everything, you know. Unless I imagine applying my check to my student loans. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Whores - I can't seem to find a girlfriend, and I can get porn for free online, so why not buy me some. Although I am in the middle of nowhere, so I'd have to drive to Lima or Dayton to find a decent hooker, as I have no clue where to buy some in the rural parts of the Buckeye State.

Wal-Mart - I know, this will definitely be an economy stimulator as well. But shopping the Wal-Mart has several benefits. First, my kids love riding through there, especially my daughter who squeals every time she sees a balloon. Second, I buy one of those prepaid cards and I get 3 cents off gas! and they are usually the lowest gas price around. Third, sometimes I can't find what I'm looking for unless I go there. The latest thing was this concentrated chicken stock that I can't find at the grocery store (said store does have the beef and vegetable stock though) but I did find last week. And finally, and most important of all, I added this just to tweak the Wal-Mart haters out there. Why? Because I can!!!

Oil Company Stocks - I figure, if I have enough left over, I can always throw it into oil stocks, as there are millions of Americans who have already staked their retirement accounts to the fortunes of oil companies. Of course, if the government starts taxing the oil companies for making money, then I might lose my ass.

So there it is. Yet another list for people who like thoughts condensed down to bullet point.


Mike's America said...

"I'd have to drive to Lima or Dayton to find a decent hooker"


P.S. Ask Toadbat for advice.

Patrick M said...

Mike, I thought Toad lived in Chicago. Now if I wanted to drive the hours for Chicago's women of ill repute....

Toad734 said...

Wait, why do you get $900? Oh, the kids right? Wow, I love how the federal government pays people to have kids. I should get a write off for my dogs, afterall, they are rescues.


Although I have a girlfriend and have never hired a hooker I can see why you may ask me as Mike is a Republican and they only know the numbers of male escorts. You, clearly being a straight guy, probably wouldn't settle for a meth party with a hairy man.

PS you can go to virtually any truck stop and find a hooker.

Perhaps not living in the middle of now where would help the girlfriend situation. Just a tip. When I was "single" in Chicago I could have up to 3 dates per week but If I lived in the middle of Indiana or something everyone my age would already be married. I would then have to wait a few years to get all the 2nd round divorcess. Small towns are not good places to be single.

Patrick M said...

Toad, I didn't ask, I was merely responding to Mike in a humorous way to my humorous suggestion of blowing (pun intended) cash on streetwalkers. Of course Mike couldn't resist a cheap shot at you for no good reason.

In case you missed it, I was joking about the hookers. And if you want to know, I had you in mind when I put the Wal-Mart one on.

I can see why you may ask me as Mike is a Republican and they only know the numbers of male escorts. You, clearly being a straight guy, probably wouldn't settle for a meth party with a hairy man.


Dave Miller said...

Alright, when do I get my check? Or has mine been taxed down to nothin' because I'm on the left of the ledger?

Patrick M said...

Dave: you can always check the IRS site. Although, it depends on your income. They only want to buy the votes of people who have to spend it. Thus, the preceding list.

Toad734 said...

Well if you want to help China's economy then yes, you should shop at Wal-mart.

Patrick M said...

Actually got gas there today, and will get more stuff after work.

And it was doubly good because I saved 3 cents per gallon by using a prepay card, and I go ti before gas jumped another 20 cents. So it's been a good day going to Wal-Mart.

Plus, the Chinese need the help. They have already racked up 12,000 dead from the earthquake. And if they come to dominate us economically, then at least it will be better than enslavement by our own government.