Friday, January 11, 2008

Blowing Up Iranians

I've been watching and listening to the coverage of the Iranian gunboats trying to menace US warships. From everything I've seen and heard, I've determined there is no way we can come out of this looking good. Either we're going to look weak or we're going to end up blasting one of those boats straight to Hell, starting another international incident. Therefore, I suggest we get the best use out of this as possible, by preparing the world for what we will have to do. As a Presidential candidate, I have considered what I would do if I were in the White House. I would respond with the following statement. I give the Bush administration permission to use this verbatim:
"Good Morning. As you are aware, gunboats identified as Iranian vessels have been menacing our warships operating in the Strait of Hormuz. Our response up to this time has been aimed at avoiding an incident that could spiral into a larger conflict. We will do so no longer.

"I have given specific orders to all commanding officers in the theater to consider all approaching vessels as hostile. They will take the following actions: First, they will initiate radio contact. If there is no contact, our ships will fire a warning shot. If the vessels do not respond to this, or if they respond with any threatening statements, they will be fired upon and blown out of the water. We will then recover what we can from these scuttled vessels, promptly returning any human remains to Iran.

"It is my belief that, after this announcement, the next boats sent out will be loaded with women and children. We will most likely be forced to destroy these vessels, killing the women and children hidden aboard in the process. This will be an attempt by these soulless, murdering bastards to make us look bad in the eyes of the world. I am aware of this, and aware that we have no options left at this point but to respond with deadly force to these unwarranted provocations. It saddens me to see innocent lives destroyed, but I know that our enemies have no qualms about slaughtering the innocent to achieve their goal of perverting the world with their unholy rape of a religion. We must not allow them to break our resolve any longer. May God be with those who stand with the righteous in this time of war, and may He have mercy on those who die as instruments of Evil. Thank you."
I want to make one other thing clear: I do not advocate starting a war with Iran. But we need to meet every jab at us with superior firepower, until such time as Iran realizes that every time they hit, we will hit back harder. And if they go so far as to consider hitting with nuclear weapons in the future, they have to believe we will respond by turning their country into a giant piece of glass. That is peace through strength.

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